Something Funky And Haunted....

I wish for nothing more in this life than to be able to transport myself, through space and time, to the epicentre of each of my favourite hip-hop movements. One day, when we've stopped worrying about the bees, we'll work it out. Then we can holiday to New York in 1981 to rub shoulders with Zorro hat wearing grandmasters.

Ok so you've just got back to your Brooklyn apartment with your friend Lance, new bright blue suit in hand, you tune in to WBLS for Mr Magic's show, Ecstacy, Jalil and Grandmaster Dee are wonderfully courteous and explain to you how rap works in Magic's Wand. The vocoder edit of The Haunted House Of Rock wins because it brings to mind images of robots dressed as zombies doing the thriller dance with Kylie-style face microphones.

Whodini - Haunted House Of Rock (Vocoder Version)

Now we're in LA, early 90s, with Fatlip (before the coke), J Swift (before the crack), because if you're like me, you'd rather smoke joints with Slimkid3 and Bootie Brown then jock bitches and slap hoes with Eazy E and Dr Dre. Like a lot of The Pharcydes material this song is better with motion and sunlight. So when you arrive in LA in 92, after you rent the low-rider, cruise up and down the beach with Passing Me By on full.

The Pharcyde - Passing Me By

It would be way more fun to hang out with Biggie than Tupac. I'd much rather consume excessive amounts of Hennessey, smoke joints rolled proper and fuck many bitches, big booty bitches, than get arrested for sodomy. You only have to watch this to understand. I guess this part of the transchronoteleportation holiday would be pretty short. I'm scared of guns.

Notorious B.I.G. - Friend Of Mine

Now were back in 2009 for some far less threatening tunes by Chicago rapper Vyle. Possible is produced by hot new Shazam who with 80s disco dance finesse has groomed Vyle's Chi-town flow to make Possible sound like a hybrid of The Cool Kids and Chromeo. You soon realise this tune would be most at home at a party in Beverly Hills while everyone sips Cristal and no one likes each other. It's a beautiful kind of hip hop - makes you feel rich.


Vyle - Possible (produced by Shazam)

You'd think on a global hip-hop megatrip you'd probaly finish up in LA, New york or maybe London but not Sweden. MOVITS, music 'for mothers and art directors', are Aryan, gyspy hip-hopsters that make me want to dance in the street, be chased by bulls away from the art I was admiring and have lorry loads of tomatoes thrown at my well-groomed, blonde moustache. they are the reason I like music I can't understand, especially this. Swedish is pretty.

Movits! - Äppelknyckarjazz

Fresh Prince, X-Files and Brother Bashing

I got serious beef with the fact that half way through the Fresh Prince, Will Smiths aunt Vivian changes character to some lame shell suit wearing retard. Why can't they just go back to the good old days where Aunt Viv was a badass sister who didn't take no shit from no one? At least this foul change of actor is counter-balanced with James Avery's giganticism and Ashley's new found puberty induced sexuality but I digress..

I'm watching a bee bite a man's neck on golden-era X Files. A semi-circle of Aryan twins stand around a telephone pole. The man has a seizure. This is basically a direct invocation of the opening scene of Lynch's Blue Velvet- the most sinister and alluring opening of all time. Lynch's contribution to the theoretically-lost- but quickly lifted electronically- DangerMouse record has exactly the same quality... like slowly dying from tranquilisers as an old man and some angels stand at the end of your bed. It's unnerving and weirdly pleasant at the same time. X Files is dope, too. Particularly the titles- 'The Truth Is Out There' etc.- and Duchovny did his final thesis on Samuel Beckett- Duchovny rules, too.

Dangermouse And Sparklehorse - Dark Night Of The Soul

As my friends clamp, pink belly and corrupt my 12 year old brother whilst playing to the Clockwork Orange soundtrack I feel its necessary to introduce Stacey Q's Two Of Hearts to lighten the mood. You know the type of tune that first starts off as a camp novelty among friends, you drive through villages in a vauxhall corsa screaming it at passing upstanding citizens, mostly OAPs, you know.. similar to Like A Virgin or some German power pop, but at some point, after you start skipping NAS and J5 to get to the 80s gem, you realise it's quite possibly the best pop track ever created. Just trust me.

Stacey Q - Two Of Hearts

Now for all you fans of Austrian early 80s techno here's Vienna-born Falco with his 1981 hit "Der Kommissar". If there was ever a song to keep the Anchluss and the heart of polio-crippled Joseph Goebbels still contracting an icy beat, it's this. With all it's lyrics spoken in the tongue of the Father Land, Arnie would be proud. I'm not talking about the new governer Arnie, or the early body builder Predator Arnie, I'm talking about the Austrian God that starred in such family comedies as "Twins" and a personal favourite of mine "Kindergarten Cop". I can imagine him sat at home exclaiming, "I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess!!!" whilst listening to this song.

Falco - Der Kommissar

In the ideal world, one where red wine burst from fire hydrants and Bitches' Brew played in supermarkets and bears roamed untouched through plentiful coniferous trees munching honey, Hecker would be the most popular man of all time. All his 'white-capped white noise' would be blasting out of Tesco's. Imagine if Brian Eno had grown up in the '80s suffering from post-rave paranoia and urban hallucinations instead of sipping champagne and fiddling pianos in art school. The apocalypse, when it eventually comes, will sound exactly like Hecker.

Tim Hecker - Chimeras

Now it has gone too far, the brother is downstairs having left because his balls got stood on. It's about time for some gangsta. Geto Boys, hailing from Texas, will possibly teach my brother to man up. These four are possibly about as G as you can get (watch this space I'm sure much more hip-hop will be plugged in a particular white-boyesque manner) enjoy.

Geto Boys - Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangster