Public Service Television

1. The artist sits in her studio and stares crosseyed at the camera. The television is experiencing medium-level signal interference, meaning the weatherman is suffering and morphing into a well-bred dog that pulls drowsy children from house fires. The weatherman's problems continue until a skinhead assistant jabs the aerial with a plastic fork. The weatherman is covered in patchy, neon bruises. The artist produces a sheet of smoke. 'That's a trick I'm learning to do'. Another shot is set up.

2. 'My wisdom tooth was impacted. Well, you know how long they make you wait for an appointment nowadays- I was in bloody agony for about three days. I got in there drunk- this was on the Wednesday- it took an hour to pull the thing out. It was like a rock. It had five roots! It looked like a hand. (Displays fingers) I only just got back on solids and them painkillers made no fucking difference.'

3. 'The lack of funding we have is the problem, you know? It doesn't matter what choices I might make as a person if the state can't support them monetarily, and then I am failing the service users and-'

'I hear what you're saying, I hear what you're saying.'

4. A sign-language translator motions furiously in a small box in a black margin at the left axis of the screen:

ONE: An exit strategy?

[Counter-shot]

TWO: Can I... can I just-

THREE: Is anyone watching?

[Wide-shot]

ONE: I didn't like the way symbolism was played with.

TWO: A beach in winter at night is just a metaphor. A covering on a blank canvas.

ONE: Yes, nothing to say.

[Close-up]

TWO: I think- I think.

[Counter-shot]

ONE: It failed.

THREE: Gradually.

1. David Byrne- Tree (Today Is An Important Occasion)

2. Fridge- Cutup Piano And Xylophone

3. Steve Reich- Triple Quartet Duet

4. David Lynch- Ghost Of Love

The Owls Won't See Us In Here

'Lynch lost his dog in this darkness, eaten by coyotes, he maintains.'

1- The devil appears at an LA party and performs the impossible before a wasted Bill Pullman. A spaced-out manipulation of Dusty Springfield's 'Spooky' littered with soft-focus sax and ghostly teen girl singing plays on the hi-fi. Pullman stares into the void, haunted by his vision and the music that remains, slinking and oozing like some oily ketamine animal.

Barry Adamson- Something Wicked This Way Comes

2- 'Winter lasts seven or eight months... I like the combination of desolate areas and hi-tech equipment'. The track is taken from Substrata, a record weaved out of samples from Twin Peaks and sounds of Nordic ice drifts and painfully overcast afternoons.

Biosphere- Hyperborea

3- What love is when you can't speak because the treatment for your personality disorder has fucked up and you think your girlfriend's made of glass.

Angelo Badalamenti- Love Theme From Twin Peaks

4. And after or just before you die, depending on critical interpretation of symbols and cinematography, this dead orphan lullaby plays and you're engulfed in an endless static snow.

Peter Ivers- In Heaven Everything Is Fine

The end of Endtroducing features the incantory words of the Giant, the man from another world... 'It is happening again... it is happening again.'

Fresh Prince, X-Files and Brother Bashing

I got serious beef with the fact that half way through the Fresh Prince, Will Smiths aunt Vivian changes character to some lame shell suit wearing retard. Why can't they just go back to the good old days where Aunt Viv was a badass sister who didn't take no shit from no one? At least this foul change of actor is counter-balanced with James Avery's giganticism and Ashley's new found puberty induced sexuality but I digress..

I'm watching a bee bite a man's neck on golden-era X Files. A semi-circle of Aryan twins stand around a telephone pole. The man has a seizure. This is basically a direct invocation of the opening scene of Lynch's Blue Velvet- the most sinister and alluring opening of all time. Lynch's contribution to the theoretically-lost- but quickly lifted electronically- DangerMouse record has exactly the same quality... like slowly dying from tranquilisers as an old man and some angels stand at the end of your bed. It's unnerving and weirdly pleasant at the same time. X Files is dope, too. Particularly the titles- 'The Truth Is Out There' etc.- and Duchovny did his final thesis on Samuel Beckett- Duchovny rules, too.

Dangermouse And Sparklehorse - Dark Night Of The Soul

As my friends clamp, pink belly and corrupt my 12 year old brother whilst playing to the Clockwork Orange soundtrack I feel its necessary to introduce Stacey Q's Two Of Hearts to lighten the mood. You know the type of tune that first starts off as a camp novelty among friends, you drive through villages in a vauxhall corsa screaming it at passing upstanding citizens, mostly OAPs, you know.. similar to Like A Virgin or some German power pop, but at some point, after you start skipping NAS and J5 to get to the 80s gem, you realise it's quite possibly the best pop track ever created. Just trust me.

Stacey Q - Two Of Hearts

Now for all you fans of Austrian early 80s techno here's Vienna-born Falco with his 1981 hit "Der Kommissar". If there was ever a song to keep the Anchluss and the heart of polio-crippled Joseph Goebbels still contracting an icy beat, it's this. With all it's lyrics spoken in the tongue of the Father Land, Arnie would be proud. I'm not talking about the new governer Arnie, or the early body builder Predator Arnie, I'm talking about the Austrian God that starred in such family comedies as "Twins" and a personal favourite of mine "Kindergarten Cop". I can imagine him sat at home exclaiming, "I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess!!!" whilst listening to this song.

Falco - Der Kommissar

In the ideal world, one where red wine burst from fire hydrants and Bitches' Brew played in supermarkets and bears roamed untouched through plentiful coniferous trees munching honey, Hecker would be the most popular man of all time. All his 'white-capped white noise' would be blasting out of Tesco's. Imagine if Brian Eno had grown up in the '80s suffering from post-rave paranoia and urban hallucinations instead of sipping champagne and fiddling pianos in art school. The apocalypse, when it eventually comes, will sound exactly like Hecker.

Tim Hecker - Chimeras

Now it has gone too far, the brother is downstairs having left because his balls got stood on. It's about time for some gangsta. Geto Boys, hailing from Texas, will possibly teach my brother to man up. These four are possibly about as G as you can get (watch this space I'm sure much more hip-hop will be plugged in a particular white-boyesque manner) enjoy.

Geto Boys - Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangster